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What does your wife complain of?


Why do we want to know? - If you don't know what things upset wives, and your wife isn't talking to you, how are you going to know what things might need fixing? You owe it to yourself to do some homework, so you can focus on some key problem areas rather than putting a lot of effort in, only maybe to find later that you'd missed the target and you could have saved a lot of time by dealing with the ones that really mattered for you both.

How do we find out? - That's easy. We've given you a list of common problems (what do husbands and wives complain of, page 14) and you can read through it and look for the ones you recognise, and concentrate on them. Maybe you can think of others that apply to you, which aren't on the list. Let us know. Email us at ... and we will send you back an email with our suggestioned solutions for them, too.

When you have got your list, what to do with it?

You could talk it over with your wife:

  • Why talk it over? Like, if you say "Honey, we don't seem to be happy. There are things that aggravate you. Are these them? Is there anything on my list that actually isn't a problem for you. Or, is there anything I've missed?" Wow, did we say that? Yes. But, you might say, she's going to really sound off at me, isn't she?
  • Hey, you're the one who wants to have better communication in your home, and that means talking about the important things. What's more important than her list of grudges that could make her leave forever? And you show that (a) you care, (b) you listen, (c) you ain't making excuses, (d) you ain't making promises.
  • You're just getting on with it. She can tell that, she's not stupid. She knows as well as you do that the logical first step to really fixing a problem is to make sure you have all the facts. That's what you're doing. How can it be wrong?
  • You can bet your life she'll wonder what's up. Being curious about you is something you probably would love for her to be. Hey, you're already starting to move out of the rough towards the blacktop.xxxxxxx
  • Why not talk it over? Because you are afraid she'll explode like a volcano?
  • Yes, she might. She could ask why it's taken you so long to wake up. She could look at the list and say that's exactly what she's being trying to tell you for months. She could say you've got it exactly right, and those are the reasons she's now leaving.
  • We'd say truth is best, and there are no tricks in this book. So we'd say tell her. That you're not happy, you're pretty sure she's not happy, and you're giving some thought to what the problems are ... etc, etc.

    Troubleshooting: - There are a few problems you may hit:

  • You put the wrong things on the list. That's not too much of an issue. Say she's not really worried that you don't put out the garbage. She probably not going to be worried if you suddenly start doing it. If it does upset her - simply stop. None of this is a formula, it's about rediscovering the things that attracted her in the first place.
  • You leave something off the list. The main thing is to make a start. The exact detail isn't always important. And if you and your wife do discuss the list, she'll probably help by suggesting other things, anyhow.
  • She might suspect a trick. Well, some women think men are sneaky, and some marriages do have elements of manipulation, page 50, or promises, promises, page 62. If your wife believes her marriage is like that, this could be a problem for you. If that's the case, you might be better not to reveal your list, and just get to work dealing with the items on the list, and let her learn from your actions how things are somehow becoming better for her.
  • Outcomes: - Your aim at this point is merely to get a list of the things you wife complains about, so you'll have the full picture. After all, you already know the things that you don't like about what's been happening, and now you'll have both sides of the story. Excellent. Your wife may, or may not, know what you are attempting, but either way, you have a plan - to turn the clock back to when the two of you felt more positive about each other.

    Copyright © 2007 Peter Leon Collins
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