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Shouting, threatening


How is this a warning sign? - If your wife complains, or would like to complain, that you shout at her or threaten her (and you never used to), what does that suggest to you, huh?

You know that people who are comfortable with each other, relaxed and happy, don't yell or threaten each other.

You know that it's a sign things aren't going well, regardless of who starts it or why, when your life is like that.

It's often the sign of an impending marriage break-up.

And isn't it true that some men (we're talking in general here, maybe not about you at all) once they reach the shouting stage, sometimes they might give their woman a slap? You even see it on some movies.

So, whether it's true or not, women could come to understand that if a man yells at them loud enough, maybe his next move is to raise his hands to them.

And that could make them fearful? And if they're fearful, mightn't that reduce their motivation to stay in such a situation?

What's the problem here? - Like we said, some women fear that being yelled at is a preface to getting hit. Especially if they are threatened with raised fists or warnings that "they're going to get it". The normal response is to try to stop it, by avoiding or fighting back,

Some people like pain or seek abuse, however. Others carry with them a state of perpetual anger, which may be kept in hiding most of the time but is always there. When either of the partners in a marriage has a problem of that sort, the marriage may need professional help. But we're discussing ordinary people who "only" have got into the habit of sometimes being angry with each other to a degree that neither really wants, and that could lead to the failure of their marriage.

How did that habit come about? Probably by slow degrees, fuelled by misunderstandings, for at the start, when they decided to wed, it's unlikely that either of them was in the habit of yelling in anger at the other.

The ongoing problem may be kept going by various causes. Two of the likely ones are that the wife is so angry already that she's capable of winding any man up to the point where you can't help shouting back - another cause is that the husband is upset, and feels rejected and dejected, and feels frustrated that his attempts to solve this real problem are inadequate, ignored, misunderstood, or deliberately undercut, and gets angry in response.

There are also some other problems that a man unknowingly creates when he shouts at his woman. If she's angry already, he may escalate her anger even futher, though out of fear she may hide the anger and merely become more withdrawn from him. Or she may come to believe that he has no respect for her, that he thinks she must be pretty stupid if she can't understand his requirements even if he shouts them at her. Either way, she'll be hurt and resentful and wonder why they bother staying together. In many women's minds, if they are shouted at, it's proof that they're not really loved at all. That can be a problem that'll take some time and effort to overcome, if that's still possible.

Certainly, in any of these cases, communications are no longer effective - maybe they haven't been for a while - and doubtless both partners are long-term unhappy, though probably for quite different reasons.

Typically, if you're yelling, you're not happy. If you were happier, you'd probably be less inclined to yell, isn't that right? And we'd all rather be happy than not? Probably you'd agree.

What to do about it? - All is not lost. But there are some things that we know aren't too likely to work straight off.

Best is if the two of you can sit down and have a quiet chat, and solve all your problems, and magically be happy about everything. By all means try it, and, if it's successful, please let us know how you managed it, because we've never heard of it working right off the bat for anyone else! Though it may work in some movies, real life is not so easy.

In real life, the two of you could be helped by qualified guidance counselling, which would assist you both working out what things are causing and maintaining the upsets, and finding ways to short-circuit the anger so it's discharged in less hurtful ways.

Failing that, step one is to forget for the moment who 'starts it'. Then, if you're the one who is prepared to take the initiative, have a go at the following - not very easy, and probably not not very quick, but if you keep at there's a very good chance that it will pay dividends eventually. Fortunately, though hard to do, it's not too complicated:

  • Stop angry arguing. That's right. Just stop. Don't rise to the bait. Maybe you're angry because you're being sabotaged - there's no clean shirt for your meeting at the office and you suspect that it's deliberate. Wow, your wife must feel angry at you. Usually you'd yell at her. But the problems keep on coming, so that's not working. Try something new. If you don't know what else to do, doing nothing is probably a fair bet. It's a huge effort not to shout at a time when that's become your natural reaction, but do try not to - eventually you may be able to make it a new habit - Not Shouting.
  • Okay, so I'm not shouting, you say. But the anger and the argument are still there, and I'm still feeling almost ready to take a swing. What do I do now? Okay, you've done well so far, the next step is just to ask your wife a question. That'll be a new one for her, probably. Maybe you don't have time to ask now, maybe you could say "I'd like us to talk together about this, later, 'cos I can see you're angry with me." What to ask, when you do have a time and place alone? Oh, how about "Why are we angry at each other?" If she tells you, that's a plus even if she's blaming you, and even if she's wrong.
  • If your wife tells her how bad you are, here's another very hard step to take - an old one but a goody. Say, "Okay", then ask her to explain how she feels about it. She might tell you how angry she is, all over again. "Okay", you say, "You're really furious with me - how should we deal with it?" Whatever she says, give her an Okay or an Uh Huh, and ask her another question.
  • - and you listen, and say Okay, and ask more questions until she says that's it, or until she makes some demand of you (perhaps one of the other things on your list of Signs), and then -
  • You show her the courtesy of a summary. You say "Let's see if I've got it straight - you think that (whatever) and it makes you feel (whatever) and you'd like us (or me, or whatever) to do (whatever) about it. Have I got that right?" you add. If you have, she'll probably say so. If not, she'll probably put you straight. If she does, give her a corrected summary.
  • She might then say "Okay indeed - but what are you going to do about it?" Well, that's up to you. but don't make any promises you can't keep. This is not a good time for that. You're already making a big change - if you've got this far you've actually made a huge change. There's a limit to what people can manage all at once. What about buying some time, saying "Well, you've given me a lot to think about. How about we discuss it again tomorrow perhaps, if you like, and we'll see what we can work out?"
  • Now, it's never going to go exactly like that, but some bits probably will. Or she might be so angry you get an "Up Yours" - but take heart that you're ahead of the game already. You haven't yelled at her. That's a big step forward. And if you're lucky she's actually told you what her beef is, and got away with it, without you raising your voice or arms to her. She might not have given any sign that she's noticed that change, but you can bet she felt it.

    One last thing - at this point you could be asking why you've gone to all this trouble, only to find nothing new - you've known all along what her beef is. So why waste this time getting an angry re-run? It's real hard just sitting there and taking it.

    Well, sorry buddy, if it seems that all you've done is to become the victim, yourself. But that's not a bad thing. People like taking turns, and maybe your wife is just getting her turn. She won't feel bad about that, believe me.

    You see, this isn't a quick-fix solution. It's more a gradual change, as you keep on going through the steps above, day after day.

    Because, the key to this fix actually isn't for you to find out what you already know. The fix is for your partner to know that their opinion is important to you. The why and how is spelt out for you in the section Not Listening - or Seeming To Listen

    Troubleshooting. - There are several problems you are likely to encounter.

  • You'll find it hard - sometimes impossible - to keep your cool every time. But once you start patient listening, each time you achieve it is a big step in the right direction. It's a matter of practice. You have to keep at it, being patient, asking and listening instead of shouting and threatening. You catch more flies with honey.
  • You might start changing, shouting less, but your wife keeps on being distant or angry, despite the effort you make. Why should you bother, if she won't? Well, there's one simple reason - you feel you're making progress. Now it's time to be patient. Being driven to yelling isn't a nice way to feel, and you feel better about yourself, as you find other people lose their power to wind you up as tight as they used to.
  • Outcomes. - "Being empowered to express their anger" without penalty, is very liberating for some women. Many, perhaps. Often they have a lot of bottled up anger to express - whether the anger is justified or not.

    It can be hard just sitting there and taking it, or worse, asking questions about it and sitting through the angry answers. But boy, can it be worth it. Eventually an ordinary, angry woman will run out of anger, maybe in days, maybe weeks or even months, especially if you are also dealing with any other things that are high on your list of Signs and Portents. If there's even a shadow of love left there for you, eventually she's going to say: "You know, you've become very patient with me - it's getting back to how we were in the old days" and you're going to say, "You like it better this way, do you?" and when she says "Yes", you can say, "I'm glad."

    Of course, another outcome is that she says "I'm glad you've stopped yelling at me - now I feel safe in telling you that I want a divorce." Then what do you do? Easy. Don't yell. Just say, "tell me more about that?" and maybe, if you discuss all of that in the way you have learnt to, she could even end up changing her mind. Whatever comes up, at least now you have the ability to make nice when you think it will help. Divorce negotiations are one place where that can be a real life-saver - but with luck you won't have run out of time, and it won't come to that. Good Luck, either way, you've earnt it.

    Copyright © 2007 Peter Leon Collins
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