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Respect - hard to earn, easy to destroy


How is this a warning sign? What woman wants to stay with a man she despises? Why should she want to? If she feels that way about her husband, she's unlikely to think he'd be a good protector if the need arose. She's unlikely to find he's stimulating company. She's unlikely to lust after his body. Her general response to him will be "Ugh!"

What's the problem here? If you're a typical man, you'll expect your woman to respect you. The man has to be the strong one in the relationship, and everyone respects strength, don't they?

The bad news is that our strength, which was for so long some sort of natural edge over our women, has been eroded away by technology. Women are indeed physically weaker, but now can use power tools, motor mowers, snow blowers, giant hydraulic excavators, and guns. Women can control them every bit as well as us men. Women drive 50 ton mining trucks, buses, trains, and aeroplanes. Technology is a great equaliser.

So what can they respect us for, if not for brawn? Brains? Leadership?

Well, we're smarter, aren't we? Look at the universities. Aren't the professors all men? Nope, not any more. They used to be, but mainly because the dice were loaded against women, perhaps by men hoping to maintain an artificial edge. However, since appointees have come to be judged on merit, not sex, the ratio of women professors has risen significantly. Intellect is a great equaliser.

Okay, maybe not smarter, but surely we have an edge in our unique commercial leadership and financial or political skills? Nope, not any more - look at the news - women heading up international cartels, presidents of countries - or accepted to run for it, negotiating international treaties, even. Organisations are great equalisers.

And that's not so new, really. Many European countries, historically, have had strong female leaders, including Isabella of Spain and Elizabeth I of England, among others. And any men who lost their heads and failed to show due respect, why, they lost their heads. Don't meddle with me, Mac!

What to do about it? So how can a man earn a woman's respect? Well, it's perhaps corny, but if a woman is able to respect you, it's because, in her eyes, you are respect-able. Perhaps that's where respectable came from: Able To Be Respected.

Being respectable isn't table manners, nor is it going to church. Depending on the woman you can be sure her respect for you will turn on some or all the following:

Showing good faith, being trustworthy, keeping your word, being punctual, generous with your time and attention, sharing your talents, being capable, whether as a provider, handyman, conversationalist, or whatever happens to be important for your woman. Being courageous with your strengths in her defence, reliable, polite, and courteous. Sharing your skills to complement those of your woman so you extend each other's capabilities. Being interested in her, her concerns, her interests, her opinions. You show you are willing to listen, you listen seriously without unwarranted interruptions. You show understanding and empathy by your responses and the questions you ask, until there can be no question that you are taking seriously her points of view. You accord her the same rights and privileges that you expect for yourself, and you help her where necessary so that she can achieve her aims, both within and outside your relationship. You are patient with her when she is slower than you, in every walk of life, including sexual, you are tolerant of the differences between you, you demonstrate your self-confidence and self-respect (as by accepting criticism without necessarily agreeing with it, but certainly without becoming aggressive), and by showing appropriate daring at some times and prudence at others, having a sense of fun and of adventure, respecting her preferences for fun and adventure too, and generally being thoughtful and considerate of her needs and preferences.

Troubleshooting. And how do you lose her respect? Basically, by not doing the things she would respect you for, or by doing the opposite. Showing her inconsiderate, thoughtless, selfish or diminishing behaviour. Being dishonest whether to her or others, in any field that matters to her, including sexual cheating. Being disrespectful to your woman is a respect killer, too, because it shows you don't trust your own judgement - here is this woman you chose presumably because you wanted her most of all, and if now you think (or act as if you think) she's not worth your respect, doesn't that show you don't think she's any good, and doesn't that mean that you now think your judgement was way off beam when you chose her?

If you think your judgement is wonky in something so important to your life-long happiness, how can you expect her to respect your every word, huh? Wimping out when you could safely stand up for what you believe, being fawning when it's not necessary, generally failing to show moral integrity - these are not attractive things for your woman to observe. Stopping them might not be easy - you might have to make huge changes in your personal style. But if you want to plug this source of trouble - suck it up!

Whinging and complaining won't buy you brownie points, nor will complaining that you don't get enough sex. Appealing for affection is a huge no-no. If you're lovable, you'll typically be loved. If you're neither loved nor respected, asking for those things just looks so weak. And if you try to justify such a request with the poisoned words: "but I love you" you've really blown it. If you truly want this woman, you have a big job ahead of you, even trying to make a start on reclaiming the huge amount of respect you have already lost, and in the worst case may now never be able to recover.

Outcomes. As a man works to regain his wife's respect (along with his own self-respect - because they are inextricably intertwined), the first thing he's likely to notice is the change in the choices he makes, and his pride about that. Not hitting on every attractive female that he meets, courageously heading straight home without stopping for a quick shot of 90 proof anaesthetic, replying to your wife's complaints with "okay, how should we deal with that?" rather than making excuses or trying to lay the blame back on her or other weasel responses.

Feeling good about himself, being proud of standing up to be counted - in even the smallest ways - the husband will project that in his stance, his tone of voice, the expression on his face. Women respond to these little signs - they are way ahead of us men in the quality of their intuition. The wife will sense (if she doesn't know) that there's been a change and this will show. She'll also have an increasing awareness that there's a more cooperative air in the home, and less arguing, less excuses. After a few days or weeks of that, she'll start to respond. She'll become less accusatory - and there will also be less for her to be accusing about, because you are being more 'respect-able'.

When a husband who has been in the habit of demanding sex, even pleading for it, suddenly stops this pushing behaviour, several things may go through a woman's mind. One will be a feeling of relief, for it's not a pretty thing to deal with. Another will be a suspicion that he may have found another woman - but he can deal with that by being home more of the time, not less, and by continuing to be considerate in other ways. Finally, with the sexual pressures off her, that natural libido that led her to love you in the first place is likely to reassert itself eventually, and focus on the man beside her, who for some marvellous reason is standing firm like someone years younger, once more proud of himself, and again showing the kindness and consideration that first attracted her to him.

Copyright © 2007 Peter Leon Collins
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