Promises, promises
Here lie the bones of dead trust, or trust renewed. Pick one or the other. Which one applies to you two? If trust is dead, it can be revived.
Why does this matter? - Well, does your wife make promises then not keep them? If Yes, how can you trust she'll do as she says?
Do you make promises and not keep them? The bad news is, that some men are much worse at keeping promises than their wives. Would you expect those wives to respect the promises that keep getting made and then broken? Us neither.
How to deal with this: you won't believe how easy it is to stop a wife scornfully saying "Promises, promises!" Like to guess the method?
Okay, do you give up? Here it is - wait for it - Stop making promises! We said it was easy.
When you're asked, "Will you take out the rubbish, Dear?" just do it! There and then. Don't say "Later" and then forget. Now. Much more impressive.
If you don't want to do it now, try this - Ask "When would you like me to do that?" and if the answer is "Now", so do it now. Maybe you've already taken off your outdoor clothes, so the answer might be "when you go out in the morning." If so you can say, "I'll try, but in case I forget, would you remind me please?" and if she says, "Can't you remember anything?" you can say "Well, mostly I can, but we both know, sometimes I forget the rubbish."
What's good about that? Well, for one thing, you're sort of covered in case you forget, for another thing you look human with human frailties. Yeah, we all know you're the he-man around the place, but we all know what that's worth days, don't we?
Troubleshooting: Problems with Stop making promises -
"It's not that easy!" you say. But what's the problem?
We'd guess it's this - you might be addicted to promises. It's easy to make a promise and maybe you hope that the promise will turn away the wrath and buy you some time before you actually have to deliver on the promise - and with luck she'll forget the promise and you'll be off the hook. Well, people don't forget, and you never get off the hook, they just stop believing you and eventually get ready to pack their bags and go.
"She asks me to promise - ". So? Don't. But she insists? Still don't.
You could try: "Honey, I won't promise. Sorry. I've broken promises before and I don't want to do that ever again. I'll try to do as you ask, but we both know promises can get broken, and I want to move into a position where you feel you can trust me again". How would she accept that?
Maybe she'd say, "You just don't want to do [whatever] and that's why you won't promise."
Now she's opened up a whole new can of worms. Read through Helping Someone Listen To You again and use the method of asking questions until you know she understands your position on "I won't promise, and you think I'm avoiding doing it, right?" But remember, at the end of that process you could end up having to actually do the [whatever] there and then to prove your point.
You really don't want to do [whatever]. Well, that's your right. Say so. See Truth Tests for our take on that.
Yeah, it's hard. You have to come right out and say "I really don't want to do that, Honey, I won't lie to you, I really think I'm not going to do it." And be ready to do battle. You can be real sure that she's listened to you this time. She might then call you lots of names. You'll have to explain your reasons. But you can then ask "Why's it so important?" and use Do You Listen the Right Way until you've really got her problem down pat, then with Helping Someone Listen To You assist her to understand your position, and why you feel that way.
It ain't easy, but you'll have avoided breaking yet another promise. She'll think you difficult, but that's got to be better than not being believed or trusted. Yeah?
Outcome: You'll be more trusted, more respected, and can't be caught out! You'll know that what you do is increasingly important as a measure of who you are.
As the Bible says; "By their acts ye shall know them" and it's true, whether or not you are religious. And there's another one: "Actions speak louder than words."
Oddly, it's often people who won't make promises who are considered the most reliable. Now you know why!
Copyright © 2007 Peter Leon Collins