Proactive change

What does this mean for your marriage? Ask yourself, is your marriage stuck in a rut? If you deal with all the other issues that might affect your wife, will life then be interesting and enjoyable for her? Might she want something changed, but perhaps can't or won't ask. Or maybe doesn't even know what to ask for?

Are you capable of working out something that you can do to put the sparkle back in her eyes? Preferably without spending anything, but in any case, never outside a budget she would be comfortable with? It might be as simple as once again going out for a walk together - and maybe buying her an ice-cream or hot-dog. It might be as potentially expensive as phoning an architect to at least give you an estimate for renovations your wife had been suggesting for the last five years (but seems now to have finally given up asking about), and that you both know is now easily affordable.

How to do it? The trick to proactive change is that you fire it up on your own initiative, without being asked. If you wait till you're asked it becomes a "Yes, Dear" deal, which, while good, misses out on the bonus brownie points you'll score from getting in first.

There's nothing quite like being a nicer guy again - nicer than the one she's been living with recently. Yes, we mean you.

Here's how you do it - firstly you get to work on the deal breakers. All the really serious gripes your wife has - What does your wife complain of, page 17 - and for those where it's obvious what you should be doing, just do it. Only discuss these things with her where she would want to have some input.

Putting out the garbage is our boring example. "Would you like me to put out the garbage, Dear?" - wrong. Just do it.

"I've put out the garbage Dear!" - wrong. She doesn't tell you every time she does her routine tasks around the place. Unless there's good reason for doing so, keep it to yourself.

If you do take her for a walk (for example) you wouldn't go "Hey, what about I ask you if you want to go for a walk, and then if you say 'Yes', while we're out I'll ask if you want a hot-dog? How would you like that?" - would you? Nope, you'd just ask her, and while you were out, and were going past the hot dog stand, that's when you'd ask the second question. You'd do whatever was needed at the right time, without a lot of prior negotiation - wouldn't you?

Troubleshooting: Yes, using your initiative may pose some problems.