Please and Thank You

These magic words show respect, consideration, gratitude, pleasure - all good lubricants to smooth the tension that is the daily lot of so many of us in the complex modern world.

This isn't just about little words - it's about a whole attitude.

What's the problem here? If you both say please and thank you - if you hold doors for her, and open the car, carry her parcels for her, like you did when you were courting (we do harp on about that. don't we?) - if you do things like that, then there's nothing wrong. Keep it up.

But if you are anything like all the other couples who've lost the shine off their marriages, then the problem is that this was part of the shine the two of you used to have, and it's been lost off your marriage, too.

Not being nice to each other, in small ways, almost unnoticeable, means neither of you is getting quite the amount of pleasure from your life together as you were when you still did do those things for each other.

It's not a big deal - or it wouldn't be if in all other respects your life together was a huge delight for you both.

However, if your shared life is way below perfect, this might be one small way you can help arrest the slide, and help yourself revert to the person she chose to marry, way back when.

What to do? You already know - you don't need us.

Just, 'make nice'. No big gestures. No pretending what you don't feel. Don't put yourself out on a limn, don't set yourself up to be a target for anger. Be subtle. Start with small things. By all means be cautious at first.

Just hold a door when it's convenient - don't rush round the car like a chauffeur. Add on a 'please' when you say "Pass me the milk." Say "Thank you" when your food is put before you. Put out the garbage without being asked (yes, we do harp on about it - but it's not just meant literally - apply the same principle to other things, too).

Hold her coat for her, help her into it, pick up a dish cloth and dry some dishes. Hold her chair for her as she sits down. If your wife thanks you, just shrug "you're welcome" - it's no big deal, just the old you starting to kick back in. Maybe she'll notice, and start being nicer to you too - that's the way humans are programmed from birth.

Troubleshooting: chances are, you won't notice any change for a long time.

Women, just like men, often don't notice small changes around us if they creep up on us gradually. That's the way we want this to happen. Why?

If you make too big a deal of it, you may be accused of 'turning over a new leaf' - which is supposedly a good thing to do, but you can be sure there are many people who see it as an effort that won't be maintained, or is being done unwillingly, and soon things will slip back.

But for you, it's different. You're not trying to do something new - you're merely winding the clock back to when you were kind and supportive to her, before the stuff happened that changed it all.

It's easier to practice an old skill than to learn a completely new one. But start slow. If it's not noticed it can just become a part of your lives again, as it used to be, without fuss, without drama. That's the best sort of fix - you can't see where it's been done!