Inconsideration

How is this a warning sign? - Inconsideration, as a word, conjures up 'lack of consideration' or, more to the point for us, 'lack of considering' the other person. As if they were so umimportant that their needs, points of view, and preferences didn't matter.

If a wife feels she's that unimportant to her husband, that he doesn't care for her comfort and convenience, and it's all making her life worse, as well, then why should she want to stay?

It looks like her staying is unimportant to him. If he doesn't care about his wife, that's uncomfortable for her, too. Why should she want to stay if neither of them want it?

What's the problem here? - Basically it's a lack of respect, revealed in lack of forethought about the wife's needs, convenience, and comfort.

Do we need an example? His wife is carrying a load of bags and parcels. (a) he doesn't at least share the load with her, and (b) he doesn't even hold the door open for her, or worse (c) he pushes through ahead of her and lets it slam back in her face, then (d) to add insult to injury he turns and says: "Come on, what's holding you up!"

What to do about it? - Revert to who you were and how you treated her in the lead-up to asking her to marry you.

Treat her with consideration.

That just means: consider her needs and preferences as you go through the day. What would help her? Should I hold the door? Should I take some of the parcels? Should I pass her the remote so she can choose what she'd like to watch? Should I ... ?

Of course you should.

Troubleshooting. - Main problem here? New habits.

That's right, new habits are the problem. Yours. Your new habits are inconsiderate! Your old habits were fine!

Get back to what you used to be. Sometimes you'll get sarcasm, though, or other complaints will surface. Like "What's this, holding the door for me? All guilty are we? Got yourself another blond bimbo down at the office, have you?"

Some men would be tempted to sound off: "Get off my case, bitch - I'm doing my best!"

Wrong! Best move - "if in doubt, do nowt". Say nothing. Do nothing. Let your face go blank. Whatever you say or do will be wrong - depend on it.

Why? Because if you say "Yes" it will be a lie (oh how we hope it will be a lie) and if you say "No" she'll think you're lying. Put up with it.

And learn from it. "Learn what?" - you ask. Learn not to be so obvious with the considerate actions you take. Either don't open doors for her for a while, or do it a little less obviously, for goodness' sake. These changes that you make have to be subtle and gradual. You're trying to help her get a better life, not call attention to yourself, because when your wife is mad at you, you're best to keep a low profile.

But you still have your actions to take, to improve matters, so take it easier, be less obvious.

All women are different, it won't be like this in every case. Use your own judgement.

Outcomes. - The usual - as you gradually re-introduce considerate behaviour into your lives, so you'll gradually see them being recognised and appreciated, then they'll become rewarding for you, too. But you're going to need patience. Patience to be very gradual and subtle in getting started. Patience to go on for months without your efforts being recognised or rewarded. Patience, when it starts to work, to accept any thanks with a quiet smile - when you just want to crack open the champagne and jump over the moon. Don't - it's not time for that yet. Patience.