Discouragement

How is this a warning sign? - When a woman (or a man for that matter) feels discouraged, it can make them feel that they aren't coping. They're running all day just to keep from sliding backwards. That's - well let's face it - pretty discouraging. When people are discouraged they aren't so motivated. They have less reason for persevering than when they feel happy and that they're achieving. They have less reason for staying in that situation. That's not the way you want you wife to feel. You're reading this because you want her to prefer to stay with you - not the opposite.

What's the problem here? - What does discouraged mean? You might think it originally meant "lacking in courage" from looking at the way it's spelt. That sort of suggests a sense of being up against forces that are bound to win over you - having insufficient strength.

There are two main ways people can get discouraged - one is when they don't feel they are achieving the results they want (their personal goals of the moment) - the other is when someone important to them shows they don't think the results are any good, either.

Whichever of these is the cause, you surely don't want your wife having to cope with such an unpleasant emotion, especially if it's a needless discomfort.

Suppose the discouragement is internal - from being overloaded, trying to do too much, taking on new tasks and responsibilities without the skills and experience that they need, perhaps. This could happen with a new baby, for example. Many women get depressed at that time, perhaps as a result of being discouraged. Some leave their husbands then. Others leave at other times. Why? Perhaps because that's then one less thing for them to cope with.

Though some women don't leave at all, of course, they may still get discouraged about some aspect of their marriages - as do men, of course. So this section could apply to you, too, but we're concentrating here on you helping your wife.

What to do about it? - To overcome discouragement, you have to remove its causes or apply 'encouragement'. Of course, if you can do both, you'll get more bang for your buck.

If your wife is overloaded, some help may be useful to her. Who is to do that for her? You could think about home help, or consider yourself as the helper, if you think it would be your style. The simplest way into that is, when you know she's busy just ask, "Would you like a hand, Honey?" However, be prepared to keep it up for a long time - months or years even - because starting and then stopping soon after will give the wrong message, like "Oh, this is too much effort for me, but I don't care if my wife is overloaded." You do that and you don't make things better, you make them worse than they were before!

Read the chapter on Being Encouraging - if you really want to to it, you'll find it's not complicated.

And of course, see if your wife's life contains any other "Things That Women Hate" and take gradual steps to deal with them too.

Troubleshooting. - When someone is really down and discouraged, it can seem impossible for them to get out of their blue rut. Just being a helpful friend, trying things at random isn't usually a lot of help, especially if the person now trying to help had previously been of the causes of the blue mood.

Sometimes a husband being well-meeaning can make things worse, especially using phrases like "Get over it" or "Think happy thoughts". It's crass, and it looks like an attempt at a quick fix, perhaps just for the husband's comfort, rather than a genuine attempt to solve the wife's problem. It'll often make things worse. How would you feel if you thought things in your life couldn't get much worse, and things like that were said to you?

There are three things that will usually help get this process started, given time.

Warning: people who are discouraged and blue rarely appreciate being the focus of attention when they are in that mood. That's particularly so if it's a longer-term condition. That's because they've probably already tried to fix the problem, explaining what's troubling them, or asking for help, to no avail. But they may not have communicated in an effective way, and don't think their circumstances have been sympathetically understood. If later they get asked "what exactly is your problem" they are bound to be aggrieved. They retreat into 'just coping' and hoping one day it will start to get better. That's your job - just have it gradually get better.

You can do it. But try not to make it noticeable. You may get suspected of 'turning over a new leaf' that won't last - which is in fact true for most people. So don't risk that problem - keep it all very low-key. Only attempt things in small steps. When you know that you can keep that one up indefinitely, only then try to add another small step.

Outcomes. - Expect no change at all for quite some time - days, weeks, or even months. However, if the two of you have been coping with a life like this for months or years, you can't reverse something like this in moments. The longer it's been like this, the longer it could take to make the change.

Gradually you should find you get a smile or a 'thank you' at unexpected moments, when one of your practical helps gets noticed - especially if over a period you've been able to lighten any overload.

Besides, you will only be altering the environment is small, gradual steps. So you shouldn't be surprised that the improvements are gradual.